whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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