I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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