I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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