I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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