I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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