Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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