so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
