Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize