I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
