Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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