You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
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