Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
