I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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