Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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