How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
