she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
