I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
