I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
