i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize