the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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