Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
