You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
