My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
