I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
