new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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