Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
