So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
