Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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