she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
