you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
