Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize