This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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