You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
