not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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