don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize