You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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