she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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