My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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