I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
