Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
