Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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