I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
