my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Randomize
