My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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