can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
