Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
