i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You're completely useless in the revolution.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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