I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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