Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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