Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
