She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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