fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize