We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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