Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
