Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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