I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
