I can't breathe out the right side of my face
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
