Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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