i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
