Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Randomize