Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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