mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he thought i was a dude.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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