you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
