I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
